Seattle Dating Scene

Seattle is well known for many things: gorgeous scenery, outdoor activities, environmental conservation, hi-tech industries, diverse neighborhoods, and active inhabitants. There's also something called "The Seattle Freeze." Perhaps you've heard of it.

Rumor has it that making friends in Seattle is near impossible for the newly arrived. Seattleites are friendly, helpful, and kind, but don't expect any invitations into their social circle. I don't know that I entirely agree with this theory, but I will admit it has some merits--and carries over to the dating scene. Now, as a reasonable-looking female, I don't experience the dating freeze directly, but it expresses itself in extremely roundabout invitations.

Men here don't ask for dates directly. I more often hear things like, "We should hang out," or "Hey, why don't you meet up with me and my friends," and "Cool, I'm going there too, maybe we can catch up!" This leaves the awkward question of whether or not "this" is actually a date. Now, we are all rational people here. Men aren't looking for their next female best friend. They're talking to you because you're pretty and they're interested. Bottom line. Why not just come out and say, "Hey, can I take you on a date?" No confusion, no uncertainty, he asks, he opens doors, he pays. Lovely. Rare.

My friend and I came up with a theory about our oblique communication style in the Pacific Northwest. Some attribute it to passive-aggressive behavior. Others to the geek culture permeating our fair city. We call it pnwasion (pen-WAY-szon). It's short for Pacific Northwest Persuasion and it stems from our dominant Nordic and Asian cultural influences. We are not confrontational. We like to suggest, not demand. We are not aggressive; we like to leave an out clause. In short, we give you the big picture and if you can figure out what we really want, we will get along famously!

Case in point: My friend (we'll call her Jenny) and I had been invited to the family home of an Assyrian friend. He had told us for weeks about his mother's incredible food, the aromatic dishes, the unending feast. We salivated at the prospect--we are both huge fans of eating excellent food! Our destination was a three-hour drive from Seattle. We split a pastry for breakfast and arrived around 1:00, appropriately famished in anticipation. We were greeted with Turkish coffee. Then some wine. Then some more wine. 2:00. 3:00. More wine? Oh, no, really, I can't have another drop, I haven't eaten all day! 4:00. You sure no more wine? Really can't, no food in the stomach, you know, really. Really. 5:00. We're going to a winery! (Thinking that maybe they had bread there along with the wine tasting, we go along...no bread, just more wine!) Finally, around 7:30, they fry up some hamburgers for dinner. After serving the dad first, he comments, "You should give some to the girls, they're starving!" So they knew were were starving!!! And yet, we couldn't bring ourselves to simply ask, "Hey, buddy, can we have some food?" No, no, it was, "Oh please, no, I can't have another *drop* of wine, I HAVEN'T EATEN ALL DAY!!" They were supposed to decipher their expected offer of food from our pnwasive statement. Any Northwesterner would have known. Ah, but they are Assyrian. And so we starved.

While I am indeed guilty of pnwasive speech patterns and behavior, I would like to suggest that we all attempt a communication shift. The "lets hang out" method, while sounding casual and noncommittal, is actually the worst trap. She can't say, "No, I'm not interested," because you never said you were interested, did you? You just asked to hang out. If she says, "No, I'd rather not," then you're left wondering what about your personality is so horrendous that she would even want to spend an hour or two with you. I mean, it's not like you *said* you were interested in her. See where this leads?

So men, try the direct route: Would you like to go on a date with me? Practice in front of a mirror. Try your inflections on a few trusted friends. And ladies, please let's not be offended at the directness. It's polite. It gives you an out. It's great! In fact, how about a trial year--just one year--where you say "yes" to any man who asks you out directly (automatic out clause for safety and sanity reasons). We can all do our part to ramp up the dating scene in Seattle. Men ask directly, women accept promptly, got it? (This, of course, only applies to the first date. After that, boys, it's all up to you.)

Let the games begin!