Non-Date Dates

So salsa gentleman #2, referenced in a previous blog, did not cease efforts, either. (Salsa is a dangerous venue, ladies--take care whom you invite!!) We'll call him Tom. Tom was not overt in his efforts. After the salsa outing, he kept up casual contact for a few weeks. He was quite kind and sympathetic during a major life crisis. He sent flowers. A month or so later, he asked me to dinner and a play. I like dinner. I like the theatre. I like free. A match made in heaven, no? :)

Tom is in his late 30s, on the short side of average height, and intelligent--with a decent dash of wit. He's rather average-looking, nothing to grimace at, but also not likely to instigate a double-take any time soon. I certainly didn't expect a love match (then again, I never do!), but thought it might be an evening of lively conversation, fascinating insight, and philosophical explorations.

It was...for him. He talked the whole time. Really. Not quite incessantly, but it was ...voluminous. Quite. It wasn't uninteresting, but he made no effort to elicit my opinions, thoughts, and insights (of which I have *many*). Disappointing.

Then the play. Ha! It was actually ironically funny. The play relived my current crisis almost exactly--one that I certainly wasn't eager to relive. I could tell he was mortified that he didn't do his homework better (as well he should have been), but I didn't hold it against him. I also dropped what I thought was a subtle hint that I really wasn't romantically interested.

The chap is bright! Where most people seem to have some pathological need to be rejected multiple times before accepting the reality thrust in their faces, this gentle soul picked up on the slightest clue and almost completely backed off. Because I'm used to at least 2 or 3 good faith efforts, I naturally concluded that he must not have been romantically interested, just looking for a good chum with whom to enjoy the evening. Well no problem! I play that role with aplomb!

Fast-forward nearly a year. Tom and I have had intermittent communication, occasionally crossed paths at events, and generally remained friendly. I find myself in yet another dating bet (more on that topic in another posting). I ask for his assistance. He kindly obliges. While sharing a cup of coffee, he confesses that he was interested in me and had thought the feeling was mutual -- what went wrong, he wonders. How did he mess it up?

I look at him quite kindly. Poor dear. I try to explain that I wasn't romantically interested and am quite sorry if he was under that impression. He did nothing wrong, it just wasn't there to begin with ... but if he really wants some feedback...buddy, you talk to much! Really. And he took it well! We also had a fascinating conversation revealing that he knew next to nothing about the female psyche. He expected girls just to fall in love with him! Ha! say I. Fat chance unless you are quite unique in the holy match-making trinity: gorgeous, rich, and charming. You must woo and pursue, say I. You must trick them into liking you! Most girls have a natural reaction of "NO!" but they can be persuaded. A bit of effort, my friend, just a little, will reap wonderful results (except on me, I was sure to clarify!).

This experiment in honesty opened our relationship up to a whole new level! After I announced my lack of past, current, or potential interest, he starts asking me out to dinner. Nice dinners--the wine flows, the dessert comes. My favorite kind of dinners--where he pays. :)

When the second invite comes, I decided I can't in good faith accept without clarifying. "Tom," I write, "For the record, are you trying to date me? Because I'm the one who told you that you have to trick girls, so it's not fair to use a page out of my play-book on *me*. Dinner here, theatre there, mmmm-hmmm. It won't work, by the way, because I am devoid of emotional attachment of all sorts. Otherwise, I'd be delighted to accompany you on your field trip. Are you providing the chaperone?"

Clever gent responds, "What, in the steamy sense? Most certainly not. In the sense of trying to line up a date on a calendar with a time on a clock with a geographical location with excellent company, I most certainly am. In any other senses you might have in mind, you're on your own." Sounds safe, yes?

I agree. It was lovely. I informed him he needed a complete hair a wardrobe make-over. He did a much better job of asking question. I enjoy the evening. (But I'm still not interested, in case you're wondering.)

I've decided he is to be my pet project. He has many wonderful attributes, just needs a little refining. He's never had a long-term girlfriend to help him out. Most men don't come refined. It takes effort.

On our third fine dining excursion, I demonstrate the technique of asking questions to elicit deeply thoughtful responses--essentially, how you *really* get to know someone. He admitted that it was quite flattering to have someone so interested in your life -- and for the record, I'm still interested in him as a person, even if it doesn't translate into potential spousal material.

I just received another dinner invitation. Does it need additional clarification? I've thoroughly stated my position, but men always have a motivation. *sigh* perhaps. Oh but the wine is lovely!