The Rule Book

I realize it's been months since I've managed to post and I was planning to rectify that this very evening! But alas, other plans have since been made. Here's a stopgap for you that I still find amusing.

With apologies to a very witty man, who, unfortunately, must forgo his properly due acknowledgement because he shall be the subject of an upcoming posting... :)

My email to him:

My dear, I really expect you to have a full grasp of context surrounding whatever it is that I write. I mentioned getting my new bus pass because it implied a good 20 minute walk in the lovely downtown Seattle. It would have been wonderfully refreshing, but unfortunately, went unfulfilled today. Maybe tomorrow. You should make sure you consult the ENTIRE rulebook before your declare victory. An early declared victory that is later overturned incurs a penalty. While one can pull stars retroactively, there are no double-plays allowed. Indeed you have been incredibly sweet to me, but those stars, at whatever level they fell, were cashed in for date #1 and are therefore null and void--although the lingering memory may yet conjure a smile. For date #2, the stakes are higher...but the prize is only worth what you're willing to pay... ;)

His response to me:

My incredibly shrewd [me!],

You hit the nail on the head, I’m afraid. The hell of it is that there is no such thing as being able to consult the entire Rulebook for a guy. As ordained by God so long ago, women are the sacred keepers of the eternal Rulebook, while men only have a passing understanding of what is inside. Every so once in a while, some enterprising young chap manages to steal a glimpse into its secret wisdom, only to have women up and change the whole thing mid-read. It is a vicious circle to which there is no promising end, at least for us poor guys. I refer you to what I have called, in a mind-blowing display of sheer ego, “Michael’s Theorems & Postulates on ‘The Rulebook’ “.

To wit:

1) Any given Rule inside the Rulebook, is one that is known to Women, and unknown to Men.
2) Any given Rule inside the Rulebook, is created in whatever form Women wish to create it. There is no beginning, and there is no end.
3) Any given Rule inside the Rulebook which becomes known to Men, that is not by the whim of Women, thereby ceases to exist inside the Rulebook. It is therefore not just “no longer a Rule”, but in fact, never was a Rule to begin with.
4) Any given Rule inside the Rulebook which becomes known to Men, by nature of having been revealed by Women, was always there, even if it was just made up a moment ago. It is therefore a Rule, and always has been a Rule, even when it was, at one point, strongly believed to have not been a Rule.
5) In a given adjudication over the Rulebook, Women are always right. Men are always wrong. The reason for this is because that’s the Rule about Rules.
6) A given Rule may be brought into and out of existence at will. Sometimes, Rules apply. Other times, they don’t. This, too, is a Rule about Rules.

Now that you have enlightened me on a few of the Rules, I respond accordingly:

1) “An early declared victory that is later overturned incurs a penalty.”
Technically, this is true. However, though I have declared victory early, it has not yet been overturned. It is a suspended victory. Since the victory is a date with you, and an overturned victory is to not have a date with you, I imagine the penalty for overturning the victory is the actual act of the victory being overturned.
2) “While one can pull stars retroactively, there are no double-plays allowed.”
Well … damn. I didn’t know that. Hunh. So, here I am, stuck with 3.667 Stars (assuming that the ones I earned the other night are valid).

You say that the prize is worth only what I’m willing to pay, which is inherently problematic, since, in my own humble opinion, I happen to believe that this particular price tag is pretty damn high, and rightly so, considering who is attached to it. And here I am with only 3.667 Stars and $4.82 that I stole … uh, I mean … “borrowed” from the offerings plate last Sunday. Hmmm.

Well, then I suppose I’ll have to do what I do best: Lure you with promises of intrigue, adventure, and probably something to eat. I’m fairly good at that. So, on our last date, I told you that we’d be using two forms of transportation to get to where we wanted to be, and I delivered on that. Agree to go out with me again, and I promise you a third form of transportation. I’m thinking Saturday the 22nd. Your thoughts?